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Marriage: Mind Over Heart? (Part I) October 24, 2009

Posted by Khawarizmiya in marriage, relationships, women.
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/*Warning: How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Spoiler (It’s a lame sitcom, for what it’s worth!)*/

Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother, is a 31 year old man who is looking for his soulmate. He is eager to get married, start a family of his own and settle down. When Ted subscribes with a match-making agency to find his future Mrs. Mosby, the agency find him a very good match according to a list of things they have in common, plugged into their own match-finding formula. Impressed by his match’s profile, Ted goes to meet her. But on his way there, he starts thinking of Robin: a woman he believed he was “in love” with but things didn’t work out eventually, because unlike Ted, Robin doesn’t want to get married or have kids and settle down.

At this point of thinking, Ted decides to call his “match” and cancel the whole thing. He decides to try again with Robin. After spending couple of months together, Ted and Robin decide to end it. The reason behind their break-up is the same reason things didn’t work out at first:  Robin still didn’t want to get married and have kids. Ted still did (!).

busy_weekend

Heart Over Mind, or Not?

Ted knew that Robin’s perceptions of life and marriage were completely different than his own. Had he used his mindTed wouldn’t have ditched his potential Mrs. Mosby to be with Robin; a woman whom his possibilities of survival with as a married couple were almost zero. Ted chose his heart over mind. Or didn’t he!?

Was he really blinded by his love to Robin? Was Ted really following his heart?  Or was he simply satisfying a lustful desire?  Was Ted blinded by his own desires that he wasn’t able to properly judge which of his chances with either women deserved trying harder; which one was more guaranteed to give him eventually what he was looking for: a stable life and a happy marriage?  Was he giving up his sanity and sense of good judgment?

I loved the words of the writer Yasmin Mogahed on the topic of Love VS Lust, in a must-read article of hers published on Suhaib Webb – a very interesting blog.

“If our ‘love’ for something makes us willing to give up our family, our dignity, our self-respect, our bodies, our sanity, our peace of mind, our deen (religion), and even our Lord who created us from nothing, know that we are not ‘in love’. We are slaves.” —  Is This Love I’m Feeling? Yasmin Mogahed in Suhaib WEBB

To be continued..

Until then, drop me your opinion: Did you/Would you choose mind over heart, or heart over mind while deciding who suits you best?

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Comments»

1. Ken Kendall - October 24, 2009

Great point. It is so easy to label things to make ourselves feel better but that does not make them true.

I write a blog about marriage and how men can better love their wives. I hope you will check it out when you have a chance.

http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

Thanks,

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Hello there Ken, thanks for passing by.
Nice blog you got there, I see some pretty interesting, original ideas!

Those “labels” are a result of mass media brainwashing. We are taught to believe in them as misleading as they might get.

2. Lama - October 24, 2009

haha.. I watched that episode. Didn’t like it much thou!

As for your question, I believe a balanced equation should be the best. Love someone your mind is happy with. You’ll love them a lot, and love them forever ;)

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Well-said! .. And might I add, easily said than done, lol.
But totally agree. The question that comes out, does this come after marriage or before.. Which is a topic on its own!

3. Sarita - October 24, 2009

I liked Your Post.

According to Your question , I Believe That Mind is more important than Heart ; although sometimes we feel weak from love, But I guess Decisions taken with mind are more realistic and successful than others taken with Heart because as You said It’s blind !

But sure when It comes from The both Mind and Heart , That would be perfect Match, But Its too rare I guess :)

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Sarita, nice to see you around! Thanks for stopping by :)

So the perfect match is he/she whom your mind and heart both accept. Indeed! Now what to do about the “rare” part?!? lol.

So since it rarely occurs, one must eventually choose. Your opinion is that mind-driven decisions guarantee more successful results. Will keep that in mind.

4. Bashar - October 24, 2009

Psychopathya: Logic says mind. I say mind. I’m not sure if I was so lucky or unlucky not to be struck by the heart as people who do so sometimes suffer badly to be with the ones they love, regardless of all consequences.

That quote really say it. You give up your dignity and self-respect, most precious things for your mate.

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Hey Bashar, but you don’t give them up nor compromise your sensibility if your decision was a mind-outcome, is that what you’re implying..

So as a married person can you judge that using your mind was the right thing to do? lol, I didn’t get you!

5. Adly - October 24, 2009

Ideal speaking, Love is like a curve (goes Vs time) that works in the following way:
a) Marrying someone ur heart wants and ur mind rejects: Love will start at 100% but will keep dropping down in an annoying way till u hate the day that you too actually met, which is sad.

b) Marrying someone ur mind wants or accept and ur heart ‘feels nothing 2wards’: Love will start at 0% but will start increasing by time passing -wether u like it or not- when you see ur partner is actually acting the way u expect him/her 2 act.

Unfortunatly most of us follow the 1st approach, since let’s face it, It’s pretty difficult 2 go against ur heart.

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Hey there Adly!
Ouch. Yeah, but don’t you think there’s gotta be something in between? Sometimes you just let one of the forces take over even the other one is not null (e.g.case “a” but without complete rejection of the mind, just hesitation). And sometimes case (b) doesn’t work out well either because nothing does develop – for one reason or another.

lol you reminded me of a funny article I read lately, here’s parts of it:

If you fell in love with your husband because he was quiet, strong, and steady as a rock, today, you want to curse him for being so cold and unresponsive—like you’re talking to a rock.

If you fell in love with your wife because of her stunning beauty, today, you find yourself pulling your hair in the car, waiting for her because she takes 3 hours just to dress up and put on her make-up.
Remember: Every strength has a weakness.”

Source: http://tinyurl.com/yjl6wpg

Adly - October 24, 2009

Hahaha.. Ofcourse!!! but I was just replying to the point when the mind contradicts the heart!!!

ZHA - October 24, 2009

never thought u’d say something “wisdom-y”

but *respect* thats so true =)

psychopathya - October 25, 2009

ZHA Thanks for passing by ya ahlan ya ahlan!
lol Adly, ZHA is doubting your wisdom :p

6. Ash - October 24, 2009

Psychopathya,

Allow me to disagree – you’re thinking too much about the issue. When you get a prospective spouse I’m sure you’ll know if they’re the right one, without the need to debate the issue endlessly beforehand.

I quote for you 24-26:
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity”
Trust in God and care not!

That been said, I think women have a lot more to worry about than we do. Marriage is once in a lifetime, but only for them =D. We get 4 strikes.

psychopathya - October 24, 2009

Hello there, Ash, welcome to my blog.
Debate the issue endlessly? lol. Take it easy dude. Nobody’s debating, we’re sharing thoughts. And this blog covers a whole lot of other aspects, but you didn’t care to check before judging ;-)

Marriage is not a once in a lifetime decision since women can easily divorce (or e5la3 :p) spouses whom they can’t live gracefully with.

7. BornConfuzed - October 24, 2009

My short answer: mind over heart. My long answer?
I personally believe that love is a delusion. Isn’t love just a fantasy created by hallmark? Isn’t “happily ever after” just a myth? Who knows what happened to Cinderella after she married prince charming? Did Rapunzel’s hair grow back after she was saved by her prince?
The beginning of each relationship is observed to have a lot of hormonal effects; endorphins, serotonin, prolactin, all of which have feel good properties. These hormones, not love itself, give the feeling of “being in love”. Once these hormones fizzle, the love syndrome goes out the window, and the reality sinks in.
Have you noticed the pattern of all the famous love icons in history? Cleopatra who married her brother was sexually abused as a child. Romeo and Juliette had a suicidal pact. Agha Khan killed the architect who built Taj Mahal. It seems that we are taking our romantic cues from psychologically disturbed individuals. No wonder divorce rates are sky rocketing to almost half marriage numbers.
Have they put “mind” over heart, and “thought” before jumping, they probably would’ve been in it for the long run!

psychopathya - October 25, 2009

“Seems that we are taking our romantic cues from psychologically disturbed individuals”.. Thumbs up for you, BornConfuzed! Even now, the same people who are writing, producing & acting Hollywood romance movies are those who have the worst marriage-life of their own.

The myth of “happily ever after” has made masses of people chase illusions of movie-like stories that never really happen in real life. You’re right, who knows what happened to Cindrella after marrying Prince Charming? & Good point regarding the hormonal effects. When doctors speak, all shall listen.

Thanks for dropping your interesting comment.

8. psychopathya - October 25, 2009

So you did notice that I never actually published the recipe – that it requires an act of ‘stealing’. Smart first visitor. Welcome abroad!

9. psychopathya - October 25, 2009

Bloggy, hey there girl.
Interesting point on Ted’s reaction. But don’t you think there another “what if” now? What if he had followed reason and tried his luck with someone who is supposedly a good match for him, regardless of how similar they were to each other, because that’s a different story. Let’s just say they had good common grounds. There still lies this What-If, but of course the show wouldn’t portray that because all they want is to attract more audience..

I stopped watching the show too after realizing it’s taking a disgusting, lame direction. I don’t encourage anyone to watch it! Should’ve emphasized on that in the post lol.

10. dreamersara - October 25, 2009

Mind + acceptance (personality, goals,looks, etc..) , I think they can bring love most of the times, but if love is already there, it is an advantage!

psychopathya - October 26, 2009

If it’s already there huh! Maho el khoaf when it’s already there you don’t see the goals differences, personality problems, etc.. lol. But you’re right, it’s an advantage when you already have all the rest cleared out.

dreamersara - October 26, 2009

no, I meant it will be an added advantage:

if ((mind+ acceptance == true) && love==true)
result=great;
else if ((mind+ acceptance == true) && love==false)
result=possibleLove;

(easier to understand huh?! :p)

and I really do believe you could still see the problems even if you’re in love, it depends on your level of consciousness maybe! just watch carefully =p

I’ll elaborate later, I’m stuck with a stupid indexing conversion problem! I feel really stupid!

dreamersara - October 26, 2009

if ((mind==true && acceptance == true) && love==true)
result=great;
else if ((mind==true && acceptance == true) && love==false)
result=possibleLove;

mesh b2olek stupid!

dreamersara - October 26, 2009

else if ((mind==false ) && love==true)
result=failure;

psychopathya - October 26, 2009

LOOL Geek Chic Alert!

I’m stuck with some flow charting. I’ll compile your code sometime soon.. bas lool da77akteeny.

11. psychopathya - October 26, 2009

lol If only Ted knew what we were saying behind his back here!

I’ll check the subscriptions problem, Bloggy :( Weird!


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