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Marriage: Mind Over Heart? Part II – Feedback December 23, 2009

Posted by Khawarizmiya in marriage, relationships, women.
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Previously, in “Marriage: Mind over Heart”, a question was raised..

How would you/did you choose your life-partner? Would you prefer to rely on logic, reason and your mind’s approval? or would you follow your emotions and count on your heart to point out the “right” person for you?

The feedback I got for that post was amazingly rich and diverse. For everyone who shared their opinions on the topic: MANY, MANY THANKS! This second part of the topic is to summarize the different views expressed by those commenters, who -fortunately- varied from males to females, single to married, and came from different origins!

And since I’m a list-addict, let’s list those opinions/views in a number of points to make things more organized (I don’t think I’ll be able to sum up all the points mentioned though):


LOL, Good One!

a) Marriage for Heart: Blind Decision?!

A considerable number of comments agreed that decisions taken-and approved-by one’s mind are more realistic, successful and usually last longer than those driven by one’s emotions — same applies to marriage. Some comments stated that since “love” is “blind”, if you build your marriage based on emotional attraction, you’re blinded -rather deceived- by your feelings and there’s a high probability you end up with the someone whose personality or background doesn’t go along well with yours. This could be a result of a number of reasons; he/she could be incompatible with yourself in different ways, or there could be certain flaws in his/her character that you had overlooked before, only to find out later that adapting to it is rather impossible, etc. In brief: it might turn out to be that he/she is someone whom if you had logically thought of as a spouse, you’d totally reject the idea of committing to them.. for one reason or another. Emotions don’t give you a chance to think. For most people, they’re “blind”. (Notice I am only summing up what other people had commented in the previous post..).

b) Physician’s Opinion: Do not go with hormones, they’re deceiving!

In support of point “a”, somehow, one medical doctor argued that the hormonal effects responsible for making one feel good about their developed feelings for someone can be deceiving. In her words:

The beginning of each relationship is observed to have a lot of hormonal effects; endorphins, serotonin, prolactin, all of which have feel good properties. These hormones, not love itself, give the feeling of “being in love”. Once these hormones fizzle, the love syndrome goes out the window, and the reality sinks in.

c) Mind approves, heart not following-up? Not a problem.

Some people argued that once your mind accepts someone and you find common interests and goals with them, and so on, then feelings might develop at some point.

d) Both Mind and Heart Approve? PERFECT.. only.. Impossible!?

I believe almost everyone agreed that having both your mind/reason/logic and heart/feelings/emotions confirm your decision and accept it, then you’ve got yourself a match! They also agreed that this situation rarely occurs.

e) If you have to choose between mind and heart, go for..??

And BECAUSE the situation described in “d” rarely occurs, you might find yourself sometimes in need of a big basket of blueberry muffins and a double scoop of mint chocolate-chip ice cream with caramel syrup.. to get your mind off all the thinking, confusion and hesitation. Should you reject someone for not finding “acceptance” from your heart towards them, but possibly regret it later? Or should you trust that your logical thinking will not disappoint you eventually?

If you read carefully what people said in the last post, you’d notice there’s a tendency for favoring mind’s acceptance and rational judgment of a person. One states..

I think characteristics, like respect, sharing, understating, trust, compromising, etc. These are the things that make a relationship work. because at the end of the day, marriage is a relationship, friendship is a relationship, but of course they differ in intimacy. That being said, of course you want some common grounds, you don’t want a person that is the complete opposite. I believe mind should play the larger part, love plays a part of course, but not to let love overpower reason or logic.

That almost wrapped up a lot of what has been said. Yes, like every relationship marriage needs to be built on mutual respect and good common grounds, but unlike every relationship marriage is a life-lasting bond that once knotted, you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone, to wake-up every morning next to them, to share their happiness and their sorrows, to be responsible for a new set of heavy duties and perhaps parental duties, later on. Some bond alright! And that, in my opinion, is what makes this topic pretty vital that many people can relate to it one way or another.

Again, many thanks for everyone whose contribution to this topic made it interesting and amusing — at least to me it was. *wonder why I don’t find that rich amount of interaction in conspiracy-theory posts?*

Be careful people, keep that behavior going on, and this series will keep running! You don’t wanna see us “discussing the issue endlessly” now, do you?

To be continued.. or Not.. Depends!

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Comments»

1. Lama - December 23, 2009

You probably aren’t receiving as much interaction for “consp…” topics as people are not planning on going missing as yourself amigo!

You might want to BEWARE! :P

psychopathya - December 25, 2009

lol Lama.. I’ll watch my back, but if something happens to me, now we know they really do exist and those theories are real ;)

….w 5ody balek mn el 3eyal ya ba6ee5a :p

Lama - December 25, 2009

3eyal :S so i’m married now :S

psychopathya - December 26, 2009

Nooo Lamosh this expression means khody balek mn 3eyaly if something happens to me :D :D

2. Ahmad Farid - December 24, 2009

That’s a pretty good one, although it could be already known, but analyzing and organizing makes it clearer. Also there were some interesting points.

Concerning the quote by the doctor about hormones.
I never heard that there are some hormones responsible for that before. This could be even useful in curing broken heart people or refreshing feelings with old married couples who got indulged in life and forgot themselves among the daily life problems.
I have been always wondering, what is the “being in love” feeling originates from. Is it really true and pure as thought? Or it is only a result of sexual desire? Or its the love of keeping and preserving pride?

It’s pretty obvious that we gotta work our mind first, but unfortunately that’s easily said, but do we do that? Or we just forget everything and keep sliding in the pipe feeling curious what is there deeper inside and then realizing we have already been too far deep that we can neither see the opening nor the bottom.

I guess the best way in choosing between heart and mind decision, in case feelings came first, then don’t go deeper till we get to know the other partner more. Don’t get subjected to cheesy stuff that arrouse the feelings but better try to focus on the personality and since feelings are already there, so they will pop up anytime. Just be a bit patient.

If finding the good person first but not having feelings towards them by then, it would be a wrong idea to let them go and may not be the best to commit at that time as well. Maybe we could give ourselves sometime to get this feeling to grow or at least to see if it is growing or not. It could be hard if we were living in the same house as if we were in the office.

Talked a lot. Nice post and yes let it be continued : )

psychopathya - December 25, 2009

Thanks Ahmad Farid for your thoughtful comment!

“Don’t get subjected to cheesy stuff that arrouse the feelings but better try to focus on the personality and since feelings are already there, so they will pop up anytime. Just be a bit patient.”

Good point. I think Hollywood has played some role in making people subconsciously anticipate those “cheesy” moments that they see/read about in the media, and which -most of the time- are made to look like a beginning of a happily-every-after story, which doesn’t exactly work every time, in reality (perhaps even rarely works?!).

Pause before sinking deeper in a pile of emotions without knowing the other person well enough to make a rational decision, is another good point.

Again, thanks :)

3. psychopathya - December 25, 2009

Then blog about what? ..music, soccer and the new world order? Too lame.. hardly brings traffic to the blog :)

4. Abeer - December 25, 2009

hummmmmm
If u find Mr. Right ur or his parents will say no for some insignificant reason.
If ur parents say yes, then u will get married to discover later he is a total jerk.
If he is not a jerk, then u will happy for dome time before some younger girl tge9 3aleeh oo tel3ab b rasah and he will become a total jerk eventually.
If u get married to some guy who u don’t know and ur parents r totally in love with him , he will be a very good husband. But prepare ur self for a very quiet boring life to point u wish u have married that jerk.

psychopathya - December 26, 2009

ROOOOOOOOOFL

5. marsheee - December 25, 2009

Part II? when did Part I happen? i seem to miss ur blog posts and not notice them until all has been said and done..

So as u mite expect I have a lot to say on this topic..i’ll try and keep it short and to the point AND i’ll try not to offend any1 in the process

i definitely think common ground between the two is also important to bridge any gaps that might later arise between the two ppl..but emotions r really important I think as a deciding factor..yes at first its compatibility of social standing, family, mentality, interests, etc..BUT those same criteria are the ones u use for almost all other people in ur life that u might consider friends..the MAJOR difference between a friend and a life time partner is the intensity of emotion..and if that emotion is not strong enough, i can guarantee the marriage won’t last..marriage is difficult, it takes work and it sure as hell is no walk thru the park..to be able to work at it and overcome any obstacles that one faces they MUST have very strong emotions towards the other person..that will be the only driving force in a time of disaster and upset..no way will a girl or guy take so much crap from the other person unless they are ttruly madly deeply (savage garden?) in love with them..

its human nature that when u LIVE with someone u begin to let down all the barriers u would normally put up infront of strangers..that’s one of the reasons marriage is a good thing..u get to truly know and truly be known by the other person..but don’t u think when this wall comes down, a whole lot of sh** is gonna come down with it?

and its the same idea as family..ur family tolerates u and takes ur crap because they’re ur family and they will love u regardless..u need that kind of unconditional tolerance and acceptance in a marriage for it to work..

and oh, pig-headedness and stubbornness never help either since compromises must ALWAYS be made for a successful marriage..so prideful and egotistic ppl will DEFINITELY have problems adjusting

’nuff said this time around

psychopathya - December 26, 2009

marsheeeeee, some comment you wrote there :) thanks for sharing your thoughts openly and please do keep passing by, always a pleasure to read your comments.

“the MAJOR difference between a friend and a life time partner is the intensity of emotion”

Yes, good point. I guess it’s not that people don’t agree that intensity of emotions is an essential need for a married couple to overcome marriage difficulties, like what you mentioned: tolerating each other’s flaws, etc, but at what point should we expect those emotions to develop in the first place? There are people who will not agree to proceed with seeing someone -for marriage purposes- unless those feelings are established already. Others wait for a short while and if the “spark” doesn’t happen they cancel it off at once. Should they cancel it even if their mind approves of the other person? I think that’s one of the important questions being asked around here.

It’s very true, that when the barriers go down when you live with someone, lots of what’s beneath comes up..and at many times, it aint pleasant. lol.

lol @ pig-headedness and stubbornness.. well-said.. well-said.

6. Noor - December 25, 2009

I think part (b) makes total sense. It represents a set of facts that we continually choose to ignore because of the stupid ignorant kids that we are (at least most of us).
Personally, I recently reached a point where I am convinced that “love” needs a heck of a long, long time to actually “happen”. 5 years of bf/gf relationship? Heh! Think again! 5 years of actually living together and waking up every morning starting at the smelly pool of saliva on your spouse’s pillow? Maybe. To say “I’m in love with that person”, one must be up to these words. Cause once you love, you’re supposed to love forever, unconditionally, throughout all obstacles; otherwise it isn’t love. To sum it up, love needs what we call “3ishra”.

The last three paragraphs that Marsheee wrote are sooo true. I can totally relate. However, I am one of those prideful egotistic people, and I tell you, that is sooo hard to apply in real life, even if I wanted so bad to do so.

I guess all what I’m saying is that I’ll die single =p
Nice post tho XD

7. khadige - December 26, 2009

After Abeer’s comment .. no one shld ;D

8. psychopathya - December 26, 2009

loool Khadige yeah ;) OMG so pessimistic :p

Noor, thanks :)
Nice point there, about “3ishra”.. I totally agree. And something else I agree with is that we wouldn’t know if we are able to actually apply all this nice talk about needing to compromise n all, etc.. but whether you will die single or not, let’s just hope…that whatever is best for humanity will happen inshallah :p hehehehe, berbis! :D

9. bloggylife - December 29, 2009

LOL you know I’m reading this post at a very bad time :P and having a headache!

why not just consider the option of living alone :D bala 3awar ras oo drama, how should I choose, is he the right one, am I making the right choice, will I be a good partner, will I be a good parent, etc.

I know marriage is sunat al-7ayat but don’t you think it’s getting harder and harder as we progress and people are giving up on it more quicker and ridiculing its meaning.

I for one believe that most the people who are getting married these days should NOT! They are making a mockery out of it and raising a sorry-excuse bunch of supposedly “the next generation”.

Now marriage is about big flashy wedding, pictures, fancy house, kids, kids, and more kids, min ‘3eer ma3na, just pop them out to prove GOD knows what! It’s better if we had the ability to just spilt up like single cell organisms and produce children, I think that way sane single people can raise more proper kids that’ll carry on human sanity than two sane people getting together, going insane, having insane kids :P

Did I get off topic ;P

PS: girl you post these conspiracy-theory posts, where are they ??? and I’m first in line, that’s right up my alley hehehehe ;D

10. marsheee - December 30, 2009

i think the idea of knowing if u are the type of person to compromise or not will not ever really show unless u’ve been in the kind of relationship where u’re supposed to be on an equal standing with the other person..most of our relationships (father, mother, siblings, family in general) consist of different ranks of authority..whether its their authority over us or ours over our siblings..even girlfriend boyfriend relationships don’t count since the 2 ppl are not really “together” in the meaning of joint responsibility and say over everything the other person does..gf/bf relationships are artificial simulations, in my opinion, and don’t really help to prepare u for much

as for feelings and when u should expect them to develop..naturally if they come in the beginning then that’s great..but for many of us it really is mind over heart..and heart comes later, with 3ishra as Noor said..but then again, the same way feelings of love can develop with 3ishra, so can feelings of hate and contempt..it all depends on the way the other person deals with you..and that in and of itself is the blind side of entering a marriage..u never really know a person until u’ve lived with them..and so when ppl get married they’re takin a HUGE risk..that is why, alhamdulelah, as muslims we put our faith in Allah and are content with the decision that we make..whether it ends well or not

so ya, to make life simple, like bloggylife said, stayin single is a pretty good option..u’ll get to do what u want when u want without any interference (except from ur parents whom u’ve already worked so hard to shape to ur liking..and put in so much time and effort planning and strategizing the best ways to convince them of certain things that are “good” for you)..so why bother?

and yes unfortunately marriage nowadays is a joke..just compare our generation with that of our parents..not only has the quality of men and women gone down the drain, but look at how tolerant and steadfast our parents are/were in their marriages..nowadays ppl do not tolerate much..everyone has the mentality of “i don’t need this crap in my life..why am I putting myself thru this?” and splitting up is the option..(this is not to say that some split ups are definitely needed, just not all of them)

alright i have a lot more to say but i’ma end it here..i tend to write a lot..haha sorry for makin u read this nisoo :p i know u have to b courteous to all those who write on ur blog..haha so thanx..even tho i know u’d probably rather just beat my head against the wall..but propriety dictates otherwise..lucky me :P

11. Noor - December 30, 2009

“except from ur parents whom u’ve already worked so hard to shape to ur liking..and put in so much time and effort planning and strategizing the best ways to convince them of certain things that are “good” for you”
Hahaha I love this!

Choosing to stay single for some more time isn’t a bad thing at all, IMO. But the problem is, even that isn’t an option anymore! Just like the no-kids rule I talked about in my blog. There goes the “What? What do you mean you don’t wanna get married now?! Mo bkefich! Mta tabeen 3yal lamman t3ayzen o ma7ad yabech anymore?”

And if I wasn’t mistaken, Psycho already talked about how bloody annoying people can be regarding this issue, especially older people. This itself may lead to making unbalanced decisions.


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