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Marriage: Mind Over Heart? Part II – Feedback December 23, 2009

Posted by Khawarizmiya in marriage, relationships, women.

Previously, in “Marriage: Mind over Heart”, a question was raised..

How would you/did you choose your life-partner? Would you prefer to rely on logic, reason and your mind’s approval? or would you follow your emotions and count on your heart to point out the “right” person for you?

The feedback I got for that post was amazingly rich and diverse. For everyone who shared their opinions on the topic: MANY, MANY THANKS! This second part of the topic is to summarize the different views expressed by those commenters, who -fortunately- varied from males to females, single to married, and came from different origins!

And since I’m a list-addict, let’s list those opinions/views in a number of points to make things more organized (I don’t think I’ll be able to sum up all the points mentioned though):

LOL, Good One!

a) Marriage for Heart: Blind Decision?!

A considerable number of comments agreed that decisions taken-and approved-by one’s mind are more realistic, successful and usually last longer than those driven by one’s emotions — same applies to marriage. Some comments stated that since “love” is “blind”, if you build your marriage based on emotional attraction, you’re blinded -rather deceived- by your feelings and there’s a high probability you end up with the someone whose personality or background doesn’t go along well with yours. This could be a result of a number of reasons; he/she could be incompatible with yourself in different ways, or there could be certain flaws in his/her character that you had overlooked before, only to find out later that adapting to it is rather impossible, etc. In brief: it might turn out to be that he/she is someone whom if you had logically thought of as a spouse, you’d totally reject the idea of committing to them.. for one reason or another. Emotions don’t give you a chance to think. For most people, they’re “blind”. (Notice I am only summing up what other people had commented in the previous post..).

b) Physician’s Opinion: Do not go with hormones, they’re deceiving!

In support of point “a”, somehow, one medical doctor argued that the hormonal effects responsible for making one feel good about their developed feelings for someone can be deceiving. In her words:

The beginning of each relationship is observed to have a lot of hormonal effects; endorphins, serotonin, prolactin, all of which have feel good properties. These hormones, not love itself, give the feeling of “being in love”. Once these hormones fizzle, the love syndrome goes out the window, and the reality sinks in.

c) Mind approves, heart not following-up? Not a problem.

Some people argued that once your mind accepts someone and you find common interests and goals with them, and so on, then feelings might develop at some point.

d) Both Mind and Heart Approve? PERFECT.. only.. Impossible!?

I believe almost everyone agreed that having both your mind/reason/logic and heart/feelings/emotions confirm your decision and accept it, then you’ve got yourself a match! They also agreed that this situation rarely occurs.

e) If you have to choose between mind and heart, go for..??

And BECAUSE the situation described in “d” rarely occurs, you might find yourself sometimes in need of a big basket of blueberry muffins and a double scoop of mint chocolate-chip ice cream with caramel syrup.. to get your mind off all the thinking, confusion and hesitation. Should you reject someone for not finding “acceptance” from your heart towards them, but possibly regret it later? Or should you trust that your logical thinking will not disappoint you eventually?

If you read carefully what people said in the last post, you’d notice there’s a tendency for favoring mind’s acceptance and rational judgment of a person. One states..

I think characteristics, like respect, sharing, understating, trust, compromising, etc. These are the things that make a relationship work. because at the end of the day, marriage is a relationship, friendship is a relationship, but of course they differ in intimacy. That being said, of course you want some common grounds, you don’t want a person that is the complete opposite. I believe mind should play the larger part, love plays a part of course, but not to let love overpower reason or logic.

That almost wrapped up a lot of what has been said. Yes, like every relationship marriage needs to be built on mutual respect and good common grounds, but unlike every relationship marriage is a life-lasting bond that once knotted, you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone, to wake-up every morning next to them, to share their happiness and their sorrows, to be responsible for a new set of heavy duties and perhaps parental duties, later on. Some bond alright! And that, in my opinion, is what makes this topic pretty vital that many people can relate to it one way or another.

Again, many thanks for everyone whose contribution to this topic made it interesting and amusing — at least to me it was. *wonder why I don’t find that rich amount of interaction in conspiracy-theory posts?*

Be careful people, keep that behavior going on, and this series will keep running! You don’t wanna see us “discussing the issue endlessly” now, do you?

To be continued.. or Not.. Depends!

Marriage: Mind Over Heart? (Part I) October 24, 2009

Posted by Khawarizmiya in marriage, relationships, women.

/*Warning: How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Spoiler (It’s a lame sitcom, for what it’s worth!)*/

Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother, is a 31 year old man who is looking for his soulmate. He is eager to get married, start a family of his own and settle down. When Ted subscribes with a match-making agency to find his future Mrs. Mosby, the agency find him a very good match according to a list of things they have in common, plugged into their own match-finding formula. Impressed by his match’s profile, Ted goes to meet her. But on his way there, he starts thinking of Robin: a woman he believed he was “in love” with but things didn’t work out eventually, because unlike Ted, Robin doesn’t want to get married or have kids and settle down.

At this point of thinking, Ted decides to call his “match” and cancel the whole thing. He decides to try again with Robin. After spending couple of months together, Ted and Robin decide to end it. The reason behind their break-up is the same reason things didn’t work out at first:  Robin still didn’t want to get married and have kids. Ted still did (!).


Heart Over Mind, or Not?

Ted knew that Robin’s perceptions of life and marriage were completely different than his own. Had he used his mindTed wouldn’t have ditched his potential Mrs. Mosby to be with Robin; a woman whom his possibilities of survival with as a married couple were almost zero. Ted chose his heart over mind. Or didn’t he!?

Was he really blinded by his love to Robin? Was Ted really following his heart?  Or was he simply satisfying a lustful desire?  Was Ted blinded by his own desires that he wasn’t able to properly judge which of his chances with either women deserved trying harder; which one was more guaranteed to give him eventually what he was looking for: a stable life and a happy marriage?  Was he giving up his sanity and sense of good judgment?

I loved the words of the writer Yasmin Mogahed on the topic of Love VS Lust, in a must-read article of hers published on Suhaib Webb – a very interesting blog.

“If our ‘love’ for something makes us willing to give up our family, our dignity, our self-respect, our bodies, our sanity, our peace of mind, our deen (religion), and even our Lord who created us from nothing, know that we are not ‘in love’. We are slaves.” —  Is This Love I’m Feeling? Yasmin Mogahed in Suhaib WEBB

To be continued..

Until then, drop me your opinion: Did you/Would you choose mind over heart, or heart over mind while deciding who suits you best?

He’s Just Not That Into You. May 6, 2009

Posted by Khawarizmiya in entertainment, recovered from blogspot, relationships, Western Culture, women.
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I wanted to wait to read the book before seeing the movie, but a friend’s comments just urged me to watch it.

It’s hilarious. A good laugh for every girl out there alright. Exposes many of the practices that women are exceptionally good at; misinterpreting men’s attitude towards them, misreading the signals, making too many assumptions, living on false hope, trying to read between the lines when there are no intended words between the lines!! Typical *smiles*.

Unfortunately, most women have a habit of attempting to decode men’s behavior towards them. Sometimes on their own, and most of the time with the professional assistance of their professional female-friends, which only makes things exponentially worse. Accordingly, they cling to the smallest things believing with great confidence that they are signs of admiration. They form attachments so easily –not to mention so soon– based on their own reading of the other person’s so-called signs.

/*6 year old boy hits 5 year old girl*/

5 year old girl: Why did you do that?

6 year old boy: Because you smell like dog poo.

/*5 year old girl runs crying to Mommy*/

Mommy: Connie, do you know why that little boy did those things?Because he likes you.

The message of both the book and the movie for girls is to wake-up. Men are usually straight-forward, but girls fail to understand that because they’re not. The author of the book starts it by stating..

“He’s not that into you, because he’s not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out!!”

Considering the cultural differences between our societies and the western society which the author’s book and the movie represent, the rules may not apply directly; however, the underlying concept is still applicable. Only in our culture, men’s “signs” and “actions” will have different forms. If you are a woman who doesn’t date, hence will not be subject to similar signs of expressing admiration towards you (such as being asked out, etc), don’t make that an excuse for you to start misinterpreting men’s actions, and justifying that by claiming they have no other option but to send you those signs, since they can’t directly approach you. Simply said, You know it when you know it. You don’t know it when you’re trying so hard to know it; when you’re struggling between the lines trying to find something floating here or there, that will only grant you temporal satisfaction, yielding to the one and only result you want to believe in so hard: He definitely likes me. Well guess what? He might not. Have you considered that option? Unfortunately, many girls are too proud to admit that. Yes, he might not like you. He might not want you.

Beth to Neil: “I just need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re gonna marry me”.

I’ve seen how men can be serious about being with someone. I’ve seen how they can be clear about it. No mixed signals, no games.. Just simple, plain, clear signs or words that reflect their intentions. What confuses me actually is the question: Whose fault is it? Is it really women who over-analyze men’s behavior or is it men’s responsibility for giving them something with potential for over-analysis? The latter could be the case and can take place in many worse scenarios that include giving women false hope or slipping off from commitments for example, but the problem being discussed in this post is more concerned with the former dilemma.

Gigi: “…Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave…”

He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)